I
was raised in church and have been attending for as long as I can
remember. At age seven, during Vacation Bible School, I raised my
hand along with other children my age, when the pastor led us in the
prayer of salvation. I went up with the others to speak with him,
and I can remember saying yes to his questions and later being
baptized with friends and family watching.
I
thought I was saved. But I didn't feel any different, and I certainly didn't act any
different. I was far from understanding the importance that Christ
actually died to save me.
It
took God eleven years to show me that I didn't really know Him. Off and on, throughout those years, I struggled with the question that if I died today,
where I would I go?
In the last few weeks of Winter 2011, during the Upward basketball season, my sisters and I
were asked to coach a team for the first time. It was great; we had
so much fun with our 3rd and 4th grade girls. As usual, practice schedules and games were set up, and then came the
church-wide call for testimonies to be shared during halftime at the
games on Saturday. I thought about it. But for some reason, now
known to me, I didn't sign up.
It
was because I felt something wasn't right.
The first of that year was extremely hard for me. I was broken.
The first of that year was extremely hard for me. I was broken.
My
most frequent question in prayer was, “Lord, what's wrong with me?”
I
felt like I was falling apart.
During
this struggle, my family and I had begun to watch the Left Behind
movies for the first time. Watching those films really opened my
eyes. One scene in particular has stuck with me since then. I think
it was the first of the series, after the Rapture, where we find a
pastor, the associate pastor of a church, standing at the pulpit
talking to God in front of an empty congregation.
He
was saying, “I stood here. I preached Your word...” And he
eventually comes to realize that he had lived a lie.
I
found that was me.
I
was the good Christian girl, always at church, always at Sunday
School, never missed a day. But I found that I was just going
through the motions. I wasn't all in.
Fast
forward a couple weeks to February 14th, Valentine's Day. That night, my family was sitting in the
living room finishing up our family devotions/worship time.
I'd
been sick with a cold or stomach virus a day or so before, still
wasn't quite over it, but I remember sitting in the recliner going
over and over in my mind just what exactly was going on in my life. And finally, I told myself: “You have to get this right.”
So,
that night, when my siblings were in bed, I went to my parents and
told them what I was feeling, that I was living a lie and I wanted to
get it right. They prayed with me and I asked my King to save me
from the horror that I faced. He did. And last summer I was
baptized in the creek.
It
took eleven years for God to bring me to a breaking point.
I
almost missed it. But I'm so glad He stuck with me.
I could stand before you today and say with confidence that I know,
that I know, that I know:
I am a Christian saved by grace.
In
conclusion, I would like to end with a poem. Though the words
resemble me to the core, I did not write it, nor can I tell you who
the true author is. But I can tell you, through its simple words, I was truly blessed.
“I
Am A Christian”
When
I say... “I am a Christian.”
I'm
not shouting “I'm clean livin'.”
I'm
whispering “I was lost,”
Now
I'm found and forgiven.
When
I say... “I am a Christian.”
I
don't speak of this with pride.
I'm
confessing that I stumble
And
need CHRIST to be my guide.
When
I say... “I am a Christian.”
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm
professing that I'm weak
And
need HIS strength to carry on.
When
I say... “I am a Christian.”
I'm
not bragging of success.
I'm
admitting I have failed
And
need God to clean my mess.
When I say... “I am a Christian.”
When I say... “I am a Christian.”
I'm
not claiming to be perfect,
My
flaws are far too visible
But,
God believes I'm worth it.
When I say... “I am a Christian.”
I
still feel the sting of pain,
I
have my share of heartaches
So
I call upon His name.
When
I say... “I am a Christian”
I'm
not holier than thou,
I'm
just a simple sinner
Who
received God's good grace, anyhow.
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